If you know me, this might be boring, and if you don’t know me this might be helpful. But either way, this is important. I believe that our story (from beginning to end) matters and that it’s worth telling.
The short version: I was born and raised near liberal, Portland, Oregon. Raised in a Chinese-American home, in a conservative Chinese-American church, in the very white, middle class suburbs. And let’s just cut to the chase – I was a boring, good, Christian girl. My life was pretty uneventful, aside from the one time in 4th grade when I forged my mom’s signature so I wouldn’t have to miss out on recess. Yep, that was probably my worst moment in childhood. Oh sure, I was mean to my sisters sometimes, I had “bad thoughts” about people at school that I didn’t really like, I got scolded for talking too much in class (constantly…), and I may have lied here and there, but all in all, I was a really good kid. No drugs, no sex, no swearing. I was just “that nice Christian girl.”
At face value that’s really it. It’s a pretty boring, uneventful childhood story, but if that was really the whole of the story, I definitely would not be writing this or hoping that you’ll read it.
Sometimes I think people with openly troubled histories are lucky (don’t get me wrong, I am in no way saying that these kinds of experiences are good). Not because they have extra crap to wade through, but because it’s already out there. There’s no reason to hide what everybody already knows about. Of course, it’s a double-edged sword. There is shame in the exposure, but I also think there is freedom in the openness.
Me on the other hand? I always get the – “I don’t know how you do it!” or “You’re so amazing!” or worse, “I can’t _________, but you!” (*insert sympathetic smile, which is actually hiding eye-roll* here). So, here’s my secret – I’m a really good actress impostor. I mean, actress.
You know those movies where there’s that character who seems like they’ve got it all together and they’re secretly living some kind of double life and their alternate life is super shady? It’s kind of like that. Except, my alternate life is not that exciting. It’s just me. Doing. More. Stuff. Doing more to assuage the part of me convinced that if I can just appear to be okay, then I really will be okay. How do I gently let this part of me know – (*whispering*) It doesn’t work that way. And that’s all right.
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There’s no way one’s entire life story can be contained in one post, which, I suppose, is the reason that people have blogs to begin with. They are pieces – shards, really – of the story told one post at a time (Serial, anyone??). So, this is the first piece of mine. An admission that behind the seemingly stress-free smile there is a history and a present burdened by heavier stuff.
It seems to me that to truly be we have to remove those things that weigh down us and stop us from existing as our true self. Like an actress preparing for a scene with new hair, make-up, and wardrobe, my life seems to have consisted of moment after moment of getting ready to play a new part. Except that I never took off the previous costume before putting on the next, and removing each of those layers takes time. Time, patience, and grace. So much grace.
